Thursday, June 30, 2011

untitled.

I have been having this feeling recently. It feels like the end is near. I don’t mean this in a morbid way. I don’t mean that I am going to kill myself. I just feel like there isn’t much left for me to do around here. I have done a good deal in my life. Not nearly as much as other people. But I have done enough for me. What I have done is enough.
Perhaps the reason is because I feel so stagnate. Its easy to no longer be able to view the future when you cant move any further into it. Or perhaps its the music being played. Or the music I fear I will never make.
Perhaps it is because no matter where I turn, it seems that there are no new human beings worth anything. All the friends and love I will ever need--I have been feeling--were left in my hometown, and in Oneonta. Who knows.
Perhaps it is because it is slowly starting to sink in the my grandfather is dead. And that the rest of my life now--underneath all of the good times spent with family--will be this ugly feeling that their clocks are all ticking down, too. One by one, they will all go. And--one by one--I will have to bury them all.
As my father drove me from Albany to the hospital room where my grandfathers brain was randomly shooting electricity everywhere--because that is all it could do--he told me this: that after the first of his immediate family passed away, life wasn’t fun anymore. It was just a waiting room for inevitable deaths.
Life isn’t fun anymore.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

50 years


i apologize for my lapse in writing. i’m not apologizing to you, the putative reader, for you do not exist—nobody reads this junk, anyway. i do—however—apologize to myself, for the output of my writing is positively correlated with an elevated mood and sense of accomplishment. thus, over the past 3 months, i have often felt lousy and unaccomplished. i suppose—for now—that that feeling may end. at least for as long as it takes for me to finish this.
where to begin? life is as stagnate as ever. i have finished the abomination that which is my second year of graduate school. and to hell with it. i passed my second qualifying exam. and to hell with that. i am now in the lab permanently, learning and executing new techniques. and i suppose that that is ok.
still no friends. still no women. and i suppose that that is ok. i have grown increasingly lonely, as i’ve mentioned, since last fall. that has not changed. however, my few forays into social situations have left much to be desired. i suppose that i just can’t get into that as i did when i was a child. i still am a child. but i meant, a younger child.
i am currently home, which is to say, in frankfort. i certainly had some motivation to visit with people and hang out, but i’ve been a combination of both exhausted and sick. what a waste of time.
and of course the reason behind my whole weekend visit to this forsaken valley is for my grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary this evening. sure. that sounds fun. heck, even my uncle from california is in town for the event. and this is nice. he came over and visited with my mother, my sister’s boyfriend, and me this morning. he brought his girlfriend. she was nice.
unfortunately, my father is insisting on bringing his mistress to this party—to commemorate this most glorious occasion. 50 years. that's a lifetime. or more. depending on who you’re considering—or where they’re from.
anyway: he is bringing his mistress. i call her that, because that what she is: he was fucking around with her before he got separated from my mother. the conflict in my own mind is this: i know that as far as my father was concerned, he was separated long before it was made official. he wanted out, but the family begged for him to stay. and so he did. this was a grave mistake. things might have been different now if he just left when he wanted to.
but he didn't. so now his girlfriend of 3 years is referred to as a mistress, and everybody in my family arbitrarily hates her; my father—until today—hasn’t been able to bring her around anywhere, and its putting a hell of a lot of pressure on my poor grandfather. i don’t feel any sympathy for my father. its just that a lot of this could have been avoided if he just left when he wanted to.
so why didn’t you, dad? you’re always so eager to do what you want to do when you want to do it. that's where i get it from.
anyway. this is bound to be a disaster. although it is my grandparents’ day and it is all about them, it will be a disaster. how can it not be? my mother and her brother are going to be there.
fortunately, there will be alcohol there, too.
and then i am going back to albany tonight. back to my shell.
tomorrow is orientation for the summer students. we will have lunch with our lab’s student. i cannot imagine any group of young people as cool as last years’ bunch, but i am hopeful that i will befriend them all as i did with last years’ group, and hopefully have a group of friends to hang out with this summer. that would be nice.
i am finished. i do not feel accomplished.
as always: this is crap.