Tuesday, March 8, 2011


tuesday, march 8, 2011, 9:32 pm

            today i had an exam in my statistics class. it was easy. so i probably did awfully.
i left the exam just moments after another student—who i had never spoken a word to or heard speak anything—had left.
as i came up behind him, i said something along the lines of this: “it was either one of those exams that was so easy that it was a joke, or so easy that you must have fucked it up.”
i don’t remember precisely what his response was, and it’s not important. what is important is from the moment he opened his mouth, i knew i loved him.
it’s not a homosexual thing. quite the contrary, i am as straight as they come. however, at this point in my life, i am probably what kurt vonnegut referred to as a neuter: someone who is neither straight nor gay, and has no interest whatsoever in physical or intimate contact. i am open to that changing. though i have no opportunities. thus, intimate contact, after years of sparse opportunities—to me, in my apathy, loneliness, and entirely fucked up view of everything else that nobody else seems to give a second thought to—still translates into a $3.00 load of laundry and taking out the garbage. get it?
i digress.
i did not love this person because i am gay, for i am not. i loved this person because when he spoke to me, it sounded as though he had been waiting his entire life for someone he did not know to just start a conversation with him—regardless of the conversation’s premise. i might be wrong as to whether that’s how he felt. but that’s what it seemed like. and in my pity, i felt love.
i think i also felt it because i could tell in his voice that this may be a human being who had never wronged anybody, and who maybe had been fortunate enough to never have been wronged. he seemed pure and innocent—not because out of the perpetuation of ignorance he chose to be—but simply because life never offered him a taste of the dark side.
he reminded me almost of what we were all born into—before our hippocampuses started working and we remembered all the lousy things, which always seemed to be preferentially remembered over the wonderful things.
it was refreshing. it didn’t give me hope, but it gave me a smile. and it was nice.
i sound like a complete fucking nut right now. and i do not care. in fact, i hope that anybody reading this has the same chance that i had.
it was nice to see a human being that didn’t have shit all over him for once.

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