Thursday, February 3, 2011

so happy i could die

            i have been having that feeling again like i am completely unhappy with everything that is going on in my life.
i am unproductive in the lab; partly due to an unrelenting course schedule, partly due to my own laziness, i am sure. the feeling of stagnation in the lab, and utter boredom in my classes has me feeling again like i am not sure if i am supposed to be doing this anymore.
i am not sure i am supposed to be doing anything anymore.
i am not great at anything. nobody can say that i am brilliant, etc. i am simply good—or—halfway decent at some things. i am sick of not being great. my skills are unlike van der waals forces: a bunch of things i can half-ass does not result in an overall strong skillset.
there are so many loose ends in my life that need tying up. for the most part they involve me overcoming the activation energy, as it were, to allow for me to go from a high stress state, to a low stress state. all i have to do is pick up a telephone.
and i have no idea what has gotten into me that i have become so under-motivated and so under-achieving.
i need a reboot. of everything. my social life. my career. my relationships. my sense of talent. my sense of purpose. everything. i need a change.
i need spring. no matter how difficult it may be to relive each season—i need it. and maybe this year i can live spring anew with a new life.
“i am a mess.”
i need to get back on track. and it all starts with me.
so get going, ryan.
tomorrow, it must begin.
thank you for reading.

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