Sunday, January 10, 2010

identity crisis

part I: pacific sunwear.

it would seem that in mere hours, every reflective surface i peer into is contaminated by things that i thought would work—things that were supposed to make me happy—content with both myself and my surroundings. i try too hard—far too hard, i know i do—to assimilate the images forced down my throat. i am never an original construction. my existence is a haphazard assortment of items that i can barely afford—slapped together with vanity.

i am a fool.

part II: the death of cynicism in exchange for a tired heart

i have been a champion for some time now of anti-relationship notions, and pretty much anti-anything-having-to-do-with-other-human-beings notions. but nothing ever lasts half as long as you hope that it will. this—too—is no different. some may call it natural for a lone human being to desire human contact—human contact of a particular kind. oh certainly—i have finally started making friends in albany and am enjoying my developing social life there—but that is not quite what i am talking about. admittedly—and painfully so—i am talking about the peculiar desire one may feel when they long for a friend. a mate. a significant other. a girlfriend. call, it what you will. it comes with great scathing to my immense sense of pride in my independence that i say this—bring this up—even dare to think about it. i try not to, for i had myself convinced for a very long time that it was hopelessly and inexplicably irrelevant. it still is. but apparently that doesnt seem to matter anymore. i am doing nothing to remedy these desires in way of satisfying them—that is more hopeless in and of itself than its very existence. it is pointless. and therein lies the problem. it is a problem one has no control over because one cannot—hard as they try—govern the way in which human beings bounce around planet earth and into each other.

thus, i am left to contemplate these odd desires while not being able to do anything about them except wonder where i have recently went wrong that i am no longer satisfied being entirely alone.

i betray myself.

and whats worse: i dont even have the capacity to engage even if it were right in front of my face.

so what the fuck.