Sunday, August 23, 2009

i would rather be…?

more background for the old and for the new readers:

after straightening myself out in the fall of 2007 with my education—and probably more booze—i got myself an internship with the wadsworth center for laboratories and research at the center for medical sciences in the city of albany, ny. shortly after i found that out, my father admitted to having an affair, gave my mom the old heave-ho, and moved out to what used to be—what will forever ‘used to have been’—the family camp. and hey presto—life became hell again. especially at home. luckily for me, the three months i spend every summer there would not be spent there, but instead, in the city of albany, ny.

talk about a summer vacation.

ah yes, and let us not forget: there was a girl in that story too, who pretty much disappeared off of the face of planet earth right before that vacation. it was frustrating. she reappeared in april of this year for about two weeks, and then disappeared again. thus my prior frustration is immensely justified. [i hear she got a boyfriend about a week or two after she disappeared, and that she is doing well. good for her.]

and so, while there in albany—while effectively living on my own—i learned for the first time in my life that i could be entirely self-sufficient and self-reliant. i did not need to depend on anybody else to keep me alive or get things done. i also realized that i did not necessarily need people around—least of all a significant other—to entertain myself and be happy. i was particularly content to entertain myself, and to have a good time—by myself.

for the first time since june of 2007, i had felt pretty much on top of my life again. i had everything figured out: go back to college for one more year and graduate at the end of it, take the GRE, apply to and get accepted to and choose a graduate school, find a studio apartment someplace, and all the while to hell with women. and, by-and-by, i accomplished exactly all of that. success!

essentially, i became a champion of singularity, of independence. if one of my friends became downtrodden due to the loss of a significant other, or hell—even a prospective significant other—id tell them rather violently to suck it up—they didnt need anybody else to be happy and thus, they should not be unhappy with their apparent “misfortune”. as far as i could see, they were fortunate to be spared the bullshit that seemingly comes with relationships (and this opinion is not derived from the relationship that i was in during the winter, spring, and summer of 2007).

thus ends the background.

but during the course of this summer that i have spent entirely alone in my studio apartment, my feelings have changed, somewhat, on the prospect of being on ones own. being able to be self-sufficient and self-reliant are great skills to have, for it allows one to be able to survive with the barest of essentials. however, i have learned that friends are important. i miss my oneonta family. i miss my frankfort family. i miss my blood family. and i have realized that although i do not need to be submerged in friendships and family all off the time, i certainly most need them to survive.

but that was all warm and fuzzy for me to come to realize. the next is incredibly, and painfully hard for me to actually acknowledge and write down here.

the other evening i boarded the number 7 bus from the glenmont lowes back to downtown albany. i was seated in the back and noticed a row of seats forward, across the isle, an older gentleman of probably his mid-60’s to early-70’s was seated alone with his collapsible shopping cart. as has become a peculiar observational habit of mine, i glanced at the ring finger of his left hand and noticed it bare. i thought to myself, “good for him! he’s doing life on his own.” and then i thought to myself, “but, he really has done life all on his own. he may be a widower but otherwise, he has gone his life without the love that i had once felt [that i am convinced i will never feel again], without children, without building a family.” and then i thought to myself, “this could be me in 45 years.”

a years worth of ardent cynicism was somewhat touched by this man, and the story of his life that i had created for him in my head. i realized that, although at this point in my life i am still cynical about the relationships of my generation and am very suspicious of love subsequent to having lost it, at some point, i will find a female who may break through that cynicism entirely, who will show me that not everybody is full of lies, deceit, and a talent for conniving. [and the following i cannot believe i am saying—i may edit this out later.]i will want to spend the rest of my life with her, and start a family with her, and i must realize that that is an entirely human thing to do, and an entirely human thing for me to someday want to do. and although at times i feel so detached from this planet that i may not even be human, i know deep down that i certainly most am, and that there is no sense in trying to convince myself otherwise.

i hate myself for having just admitted that.

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