Sunday, August 23, 2009

the diamonds in the rough

i will not discriminate between people who follow my blog, and those who may be simply searching around blogspot for something interesting to read for want of anything more entertaining to do. thus do i recount a tale told so many times over, to set the stage for the point of all of this—a point i know i have made somewhere before.

two and a half years ago i pretty much had life made. i didnt give a damn about my education and i was dating a wonderful girl. i was far more of an alcoholic then than i am now. several months later that was all shot to hell and it got the best of me. i hit rock bottom.

some story.

what i didnt realize then—and what i dont think many of us realize—is that when things are really bad, theyre not that bad. or, perhaps they are that bad, but every single moment of every single day isnt that bad. i think back to the fall semester of 2007 and for some reason i find myself missing the misadventures of those first few months—before i started to straighten myself back out again with my education. the certain hell i was going through had a particular flavor. and perhaps it is because i am a masochist that i find myself missing that particular flavor. and i think it is also because deep within the depths of all of that hell, there were still plenty of perfectly wonderful things going on.

for example:

- most of the friends that i have who are still at oneonta and cannot legally purchase alcohol yet—i met them in those first few months. and i love them all to death. they helped me tremendously and became good friends in the process.

- the girl i so loved and was so betrothed to and i were still on speaking terms. we were civil. out friendship was patched up relatively quickly if memory serves me correctly. there were the ups and downs that come with being a poor ex-boyfriend trying to cope with the fact that we were friends—and nothing more—and all that that implies. but all of that was overshadowed by the fact that the girl i still cared about most on planet earth was still my best friend. i couldnt have asked for more than that.

- dr. nigel mann’s animal behavior class. dont ask me why, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, that class was probably the most satisfying i ever took at oneonta. and the utica zoo field trip—though important in my brain for other reasons—was what got me starting to think about altering my career path and becoming a research scientist. without that class, i dont know where id be on planet earth right now.

and i think—again, masochistically—some part of me just misses the time. a lot of it was malevolent, yes, but things not only felt bad, but in retrospect, they just felt different. and it is a feeling i know i will never get back. because i will never be in the same place at the same time with the same hell exploding around me. and it is in my nature to be curious as to how it would feel to relive something again.

no matter how bad it was the first time around.

No comments: