Thursday, May 21, 2009

ghosts

recently, ive realized that i have been wandering through memories and have been causing them to physically manifest themselves. partly my fault. its the month of may. the feeling of spring turning into summer. its happened last year. i think may will always feel weird.

with all of these graduation things going on, my brain cant help but mosey into depths of my hippocampus—wired inexplicably to the limbic system—to reproduce how i felt—how my environment felt—four years ago at this time, as i prepared to graduate from high school. wants to just test the old waters. for the hell of it. who knows? my life was so much different then: my parents were together, i was infinitely more innocent, and infinitely more ignorant and naive—i had no idea what was out there. and i had a girlfriend, too. her name was amanda.

surely as a consequence of my poor, confused, hijacked brain, i got in touch with her a week or so ago, and she ended up bringing me to this party she was at. it was nice to see her—for sure. but it was the same as the last time i had seen her—20 months and 6 days beforehand: some part of me felt—and i feel that at least one ex of a relationship will always feel this way regarding their corresponding ex—that of everybody in the room, i should have been getting the most attention from her. its not that i wanted it, per se. some unknown part of me just desired it. (maybe i’ll find that part some day. i dont think i care to.) maybe because at one point in time, i was the the only person in that room filled with people getting that attention. i dont think that those are things anybody will ever get past (notice that i didnt say “get over”. see the difference?). and i feel as though because of how the final breakup went down, and how i handled it, i was the one who felt more scorned. i dont know. but that is how i felt last night. i felt almost invisible. it is not her fault—why should i, an ex of four years, give a flying fuck? and why should she? it shouldnt matter. but it does. for some reason. and i feel as though it always will. she was my first girlfriend, after all. and we were together for the better part of a whole year. again: i think that is all a reflection on how i handled everything subsequent to the breakup. i was bitter. i didnt want to talk to her. it was torture. i just wanted to be left alone. after nearly a year of that, i realized that it was pointless. and i apologized. we made amends. fin. there hasnt been much to add to the story since then. the whole point is though: with all of this graduation stuff going on, i miss when i was a senior in high school, and miss the time i spent with her, and how my environment felt around me—how it sounded and smelled, how it looked and felt. and i dont think she feels the same.

and i guess some part of me thinks that that is sad.

i would rather remember every detail then forget or deny a whole year of my life.

thats just me.

again: why should i give a flying fuck?

onward.

and by the simple fact that it is may, in which the beginnings of a very difficult summer two years ago was founded, some part of my brain cant help but wander through the memories and ghosts of that time—im listening to the same music, reading the same books. some part of my brain is trying to recreate the environment of two years ago. yet again—i dont know why. maybe my brain is trying to test me—figure out how i could have handled things were i then who i am now. i dont know. i know simply that it is happening—nothing more. and wouldnt you know it—last week, i saw dana, too. but her and i are a different story. we broke up. we still talked. we were still best friends. things got increasingly difficult for me towards the end summer—to put it lightly. but we started talking again once we returned to school, fortunately. thankfully. there were rough times in there too, but basically, we remained very good friends. and still are. she came to visit me in albany last summer. and when she found me at the senior class picnic last night, she latched onto me—wouldnt let me go. if that wasnt nice, what is? she attended the bar crawl, and we talked here and there when we could. i didnt feel like i did around amanda. i didnt feel starved for her attention. again—its not that i necessarily wanted it (in retrospect of what i just wrote here and above: i am lying—we all want attention from our exs. plain and simple). it could be because i was getting attention—whenever we ended up being at the same bar, we’d wave, say hello, talk about whatever. it was nice. and we ended up spending our last night as oneonta undergraduates drinking in the dorms. talking about our lives. about life—like we always do. singing and playing guitar. bar hopping until 3am. and if that wasnt nice, what could be? i am very thankful that her and i are still friends. i wouldnt want it any other way.

again: i think its the differences in how ended relationships are handled that defines how you will feel around that person for the rest of your life.

i panicked when i got home saturday for reasons known to me that i will not share with you. sorry. but i am fine now. the ghosts have disappeared. despite what im hearing, reading. i only see the walls of my house around me. i move to albany (hopefully) this weekend or early next week. and i will walk amongst the beautiful ghosts of last summer, i am sure (this is not a bad thing, as you know—albany changed my life in ways i cannot explain). for no matter how far you exceed the past, you cannot deny it. it will always catch up to you.

in retrospect of what is written here and above: writing this thing—i feel—has served no purpose. but i had to get it out.

thank you for reading.

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