NOTE: this was written over the course of thursday, may 14th; and today, june 21st.
hello babies. its that time again.
i am not writing to you from an empty room, whilst waiting for my family to come and pick up my belongings, and bring me back to frankfort. i am writing to you from a partially empty room—the soley resident of matteson 013 still here. i go home in two days—i graduate in two days—not two hours. but i fear that i will not have the time in between now and then to write—as i always do—and so, here i am, writing to you. from a partially empty room. the keys of my laptop echo out of my room and through the living room. i clap my hands—the living room claps back. i am not alone, after all.
this has been as difficult a year as it has been easy. in the fall months, i was becoming increasingly frustrated with who and what i saw around me. people being so shitty—people giving a shit about things that obviously did not matter. their insolence and immaturity made me sick. i shrunk away. as i was prone to do, considering i had basically lived alone since june. eventually, i found even more ways to entertain myself. better: i found out what all of the things in my mental box labeled ‘unparalleled happiness’ were—the books, albums, movies, places, activities, food that all made me happy—and i took refuge and comfort in them when i couldnt stand even having to share air with the human beings around me. eventually, though, i think those feelings subsided a bit.
winter break was okay. i worked at VHS—for the last time. today i said goodbye to my nurses, and to the adult daycare crew, and handed in my badge. i am no longer an employee there. though i will always have a place there, and people who love me there—it is no longer where i belong. it was the first time in a long time ive had to say goodbye—to say, ‘im not coming back—this is the end’. ive been doing that a lot lately. and i will be forced to continue to do so. christmas was okay, too. everyone seemed to be okay with my father being around—except my uncle (mothers brother), still. my father was not allowed at that particular christmas party. but. whatever. things seemed to run smoothly. it was better than the last time he had come to some sort of family function that i was present at (easter of last year). its my sister—it seems—who is now making this the hardest on everybody. she loves my father. she hates me. shes cool with my parents being civil. she wants them to hate each other. she wants them to be back together. or so it seems. or so ive been told. she hasnt quite said any of that to me. but thats how my mother makes it out to be—who, by the way, my sister thinks is stupid. apparently. i dont know. she doesnt talk to me much.
i came back to oneonta in january with a bang—i was ready to get back in the lab and get back to work and crank out my last semester of my undergraduate career (did you get the joke? we all do it at least once—hence the name. confused? good.). shortly thereafter i went to california with glenn to visit eric—again. and it was one of the most memorable weeks in my life. not only did i have a good time, not only was it great to see eric after 9 months, but i think all three of us learned some important lessons in those 8 days. we learned that you only live once, and that you should never let opportunities pass by you because youll regret it in the end if you do. ive lived everyday since that trip mumbling that mantra to myself everytime i feel like im letting opportunities pass by—you only live once. i came back to oneonta from that trip refreshed. i was ready to give humans beings a shot again—i think—because i just wanted to get out there and have fun with my last 2.5 months in oneonta. bioclub has been my savior when it comes to faith in human beings because theyre such a legit group of people. at the end of our first week back to school in january, bioclub went to boston—which was another great trip—and a good sized group of us got really tight after that. wed have parties. go to the bars on tuesday afternoons. we had another camping trip (we had one in october, too, which i have previously wrote about as being a rebirthing experience) several weeks ago. that was—yet again—an absolute blast. i will miss them dearly.
as will i miss all of my friends. the past few days, every time i leave some sort of party or gathering, it seems like theres a new set of people to say goodbye to—never to see again, maybe. i get used to this when i work at the nursing home, because i meet people in month A, and have to say goodbye to them in month B, or C. the thing is, when they get discharged, when they die—when you watch them have a stroke in their bed, or hear them drowning as their lungs fill up with fluid—or when i left for college, yet again—i knew id never see them again. they get hurt—wed make them better. they get sick—theyd die. and theres no coming back from the dead. i have met countless people—i know—who i will never see again in my life. and these are people i grew to love. they hadnt been around the socially elite of this day and age enough to become as shitty as they are—that is to say, the socially elite. but this is different, now. saying goodbye to people i have known for four years, three years, two years, a few months. people that ive spoken with and partied with and had lunch or coffee with. who i may never see again. the relationships are tighter or—at least—more established. to those of you at suny oneonta who have stuck by my side for the past four years, three years, two years, few months—i love you and i will be seeing you soon—i hope.
to those from frankfort who i will surely see sometime soon—i love you all as well. i thank you all—and you know who you are—who helped me through the tough times—the summer of 2007. i would not be here without you. and i thank you also for all of the great times playing pong on a sunday night, or piling 30+ beers on a small table in the bowling alley while totally sucking at rock-n-bowl. these are things that i will never forget.
to those from the valley—i love you all as well. and i apologize that in the past 4 years i have not been as easily accessible as in high school—a consequence of going away for school (a decision i will never take back) and short, interspersed breaks. i know there are a few of you who have seemingly thought i have abandoned you—abandoned me in return. for this i am not sorry—i cannot help the circumstances of my life. and i am sorry that you cannot see that.
“i thank you for your attention, and im outta here.”
kurt vonnegut, jr.
April 27, 2007