if there is one thing that i have learned, it is that its no use thinking about or pondering ways to change the unfortunate circumstances that i sometimes fall into. and so today, when i received my official rejection letter from the university of california irvine’s molecular biology, genetics, and biochemistry department—aside from starting to panic—i decided that i will put the letter into an 8x11 frame, and hang it on the small wall perpendicular to my bench in my laboratory. and i will do the same with the rejection letters i am most certain to get from the university of pennsylvania and the tufts university sackler school of biomedical graduate studies (if i dont make it into a state school, how the fuck could i think id make it into private schools?). and they will serve to remind me over the next 2 and a half months that despite any optimism i have about my ability to think, question, and conduct research, that i must surely know nothing about the aforementioned (the uci mgbg departments words: the committee attempts to determine the likelihood each applicant has of becoming an independent scientist. if they—the learned doctors—dont think i can, how can i?). and those letters and those words will also serve to motivate me to continue to try to expand the skills required to do what i love to do, in the hopes that i may someday become what it is that i want to become.
i have an interview and tour at the state university of new york at albany next tuesday. i have about as much confidence for that as a piece of shit in a suit would—which is exactly what i feel like right now. except that i am far less dressed up. and when i bomb that and get that glorious piece of paper telling me to take a hike, theres only one other question left for this so-called ‘scientist’ to ask: