Tuesday, March 17, 2009

i dont ever want to forget again

so saturday night at a party, i sprained my ankle pretty bad. what can i say? i dont mess around. so my friends took care of me until my dear friend carrie and her roommate came and picked me up. shes an EMT. so they brought me to their house, she inspected my ankle, put some ice packs on it, and wrapped it up. the next morning, her parents arrived to visit and pick up her kitten. her mother iced my ankle, while carrie cooked me eggs and toast. she then took me to the ER where i got an aircast, crutches, and a prescription for vicodin. she took me back to her place to get some of those fancy ice packs, and then she took me to fill the prescription, which for some reason, she paid for.

later that night, my roommate andrew helped me with laundry. my dear friend shelly bought me dinner and snack foods. yesterday afternoon, the SCI1 secretary activated the SCI1 elevator for me; dr. vogler activated it again so i could go back up to the first floor after class. the PSCI secretary instructed me as to how to use the elevator in the PSCI building. the mills staff instructed me as to how to use the mills elevator; they also helped me carry my lunch to my table. last night, glenn bought me some more food, and he did this morning as well.

over the past three days, i have been helped by many people. i do not like asking for nor do i like accepting help from others. i am too proud of my independence. however, i cannot say by any means that i am not appreciative of the aforementioned help during this trying time. because i am. incredibly so.

however, i think that i got too used to this. not the treatment, or the help—per se—but the fact that people were around. i think being able to have people around to talk to and check in on me helps the depression that follows receiving a debilitating injury. it keeps your mind off of it.

and now, my friends are out partying it up all night long. but me? i am alone, stuck in bed with my leg propped up, coked up to the ears on narcotics. at first this depressed me further. part of me didnt want to be alone. i wanted my friends around. i wanted to be out enjoying my favorite ‘holiday’ of the year. and im not.

but, after giving this some thought, i reflected upon how i felt and realized the aforementioned—that some part of me simply wanted people around so i didnt have to be alone to have the time to think about being injured.

but fuck that. i know that i am truly happy when i am alone, when i am taking care of myself—no matter how difficult it may be. i know that were today any other day, id just as soon be alone working in my lab, or alone in my room reading, etc. or even if i were perfectly healthy today, i wouldnt care if i were out at bars drinking with everybody, or alone in my room drinking irish coffee, say—as long as i had to opportunity to ‘celebrate’ (sad, but true. dont judge me).

and when i keep that in mind, i realize that someday im going to break my face or something, or start puking my brains out with some stomach bug, and nobody is going to be around to buy me food or clean my dishes. and although it is wonderful to have such great friends offer to do that for me, it doesnt mean that i should want it, or be upset when that commodity is not there—because it is not always going to be.

over the past couple of days, i got so caught up in my misfortune that i forgot about what was truly important to me—my independence, my seclusion. and ive been doing a lot of complaining and bitching about how on this most glorious ‘holiday’, i am stuck in bed. but now that everybody is out for the evening—i have exactly what is truly important to me—once again. peace.



ps. a saint by the name of dr. allen anderson—my physics II lab instructor; a person i visit often when i am bored on campus and trying to kill time in between classes and experiments—has found his old cane that he used when he had a leg injury last year, and has stowed it in his car. tomorrow, carrie will retrieve it for me so i can get off of these damned crutches that have ravaged my underarms. hopefully, my ankle will have healed enough such that the cane is suitable for walking. at least then i could finally get around and carry my own meals. i cant wait.

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