okay. lets get one thing straight. you dont know me. i dont care who the fuck you are. understand that.
second of all: dont tell me ive fucking changed. and dont you dare tell me ive changed for the worst. want to know what it is?: your perception of me has changed.
you claim that, ‘im not the ryan palumbo you knew.’ yeah. the ryan palumbo you knew was a weak dumbass who drank himself into the front seat of a car every night with the hopes of getting the drunken balls to ram it into a tree or telephone pole. what fun! the ryan palumbo you knew had no ambition in life. how impressive! he was restless and anxious and lived everyday in the hopes that the next one never came around. how exciting!
the ryan palumbo i damned well fucking know i am is someone who is not suicidal, thank you very much. and who is incredibly ambitious despite any hardships that come my way. and i shrug them off. they are nothing but hurdles no taller than a curb. i am strong. i am happy. i can hold my own.
protect the hive from enemies. be careful—love with caution. i would rather lonely along the way.
ring a bell?
i am also an adult. i am finishing up college. i am graduating. i am in the midst of transferring to a graduate school (hopefully; my confidence in that area has been reduced dramatically). i am in the lab every morning. i go to class. i am in the lab until late at night. i am close to contributing data to a new type of antimicrobial defense system against gram-negative bacteria called a bacteriostatic, which could significantly impact public health and the battle against the growing number of resistant ‘superbacteria’. what does that mean? it means that you might see my face on the cover of time magazine by june as the person who universally cured bacterial infections. wouldnt that be something?
and what else does that also mean? it means that i cant be slaving away on aim, or myspace, or facebook, or on the phone talking to every human being i know telling them all about my life like i could when i was a bored kid in high school with nothing to do but masturbate and sit around with my thumb up my ass. so, dont accuse me of being a bad friend or wanting to lose all of my friends or of not caring about my friends. my true friends understand that i am busy doing what it is that i do. and most of my friends are just as busy as i am doing what they do. and id like to say that most of my friends understand that you dont need to be in constant contact to be best friends. being best friends means you can go years without talking, and pick up right where you left off like you had been separated for mere minutes. a person of utmost importance taught me that long ago. that belief is religious to me now.
best friends are people that you have for forever. they are relationships that need no cultivating, because they exist ambiently. yes i made that word up. but it fits. best friends are just there. floating around. they will float into your life. they will float out. and so will you. but the beautiful thing is this—while the two come together, it will be magical while it lasts. that doesnt happen to fair-weather friends. you have them for a while. and then they disappear. never to be found again. best friend will always meet up again, somehow. because thats just how it works.
and if you think im a fair-weather friend, then it was nice knowing you. and im sorry you that dont believe what i believe. and im sorry you wont be floating my way someday. and im sorry that you wont let me float back yours.
and if you think im a best friend of yours, then theres a good chance that i feel that youre a best friend of mine.
and we’ll be back together sooner than you know. and it will be magical.